We all worry about teens running around having unrestricted
sex. The impulse toward sex is strong, or we wouldn't be having this
conversation. We cannot control our half-grown children, any more than
we can control another adult.
So what do we tell them?
Well, first, we teach them the Christian virtues. If we're not doing that, I'm not sure why we're worried about anything else. The converse is that we do not teach any lists of rules, except as a temporary measure before they're able to process the virtues those temporary rules derived from.
Second, we teach them facts. Not all at once, and not at an age that they can't yet properly contextualize something. But we withhold nothing. Anatomy, physiology, puberty, pregnancy, sexual arousal, everything. Drawings, photographs, there should be no mysteries left about the isolated human body at all, at least from an intellectual standpoint.
Conversely, we do not teach lies. If you can't support it from science or scripture or experience, don't teach it. Especially do not teach things just because you heard them from your teachers or parents. There are so many lies floating around in this space that you should verify everything you can, and reconsider who you trust to give you good information.
Third, we teach them what actions are possible, what choices they have. This includes sexual interaction in all its variety, self-stimulation, birth control, and other safe sex practices. It also means teaching them what lies are out there, like those spread by pornography, and how to process them if they're encountered.
Fourth, we tie it all together. How do you use the virtues to decide what choices are better than others? That means, among many other things, how to deal with sexual arousal in a healthy fashion, including developing self-control in that arena. It also means teaching basic relationship ethics. One good way to do that is to go over scenarios, lots of scenarios, in detail. Consider possible responses to each scenario, and the virtues or vices of each possible response.
This may also mean helping them develop a preliminary ethic, perhaps a very vague one from one of several possible starting points. More important is the process for filling in the details and modifying it over time. By helping them developing a relationship
ethic early, with a clear head, not under
the hormonal pressure of being in a relationship, we give them a way to distinguish between their hormones and their conscious choices. Again, we help them learn self-control.
Fifth, we make it possible to learn more. Books are good. Open dialog is better. Sex pervades all forms of media, and being able to distinguish between realistic messages and unrealistic ones is a skill young people cannot learn in a vacuum. Some sort of filtered search engine or online Q/A system could be incredibly beneficial. And in some contexts, there could imaginably be a place for explicit instructional videos and photographs. (The prudish part of me is still WTFing at that idea, but if there's anything morally questionable about that idea, I can't find it.)
There are a couple of comprehensive Christian sex ed curricula out there. (Presumably without instructional videos.) I have no details about the contents, but they seem to be well-regarded.
These Are Our Bodies (Episcopal Church)
Our Whole Lives (United Churches of Christ)
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