Reconstructing Christian Sexual Ethics 02.3: Relationship Ethics

As we discussed previously, it's impossible to grow in integrity and self-control without self-imposed boundaries on your actions. A subset of this is your actions within relationships, including sex. These boundaries are your relationship ethic.

Your relationship ethic defines many things, and your sexual behavior is not the most important of them, by any means. But it does include the set of circumstances where you consider it acceptable to engage in sexual activity of various kinds. The overlap between your relationship ethic and that of your (potential) partner is the set of circumstances where you can have sex, or indeed engage in any mutual behavior, and both behave ethically.

Some people already have well-thought-out boundaries for their own activities. Others have vague ideas they've never really thought through. Some (particularly the young) have literally never considered the idea.

So what does a relationship ethic look like? Consider each possible mutual activity you could perform with a partner. Include sexual activities, but also things we don't usually consider sexual like kissing or hand-holding or cuddling, or like cohabitation or joint bank accounts or lending money, or maybe something really important like attending church together. It's a very big list!

Now, for each activity, think about how a relationship might progress in stages towards that activity. Consider how the virtues we've been discussing would apply to that activity, and how they all interrelate. I'll list them below, with some suggested thoughts. This is by no means a complete list! It is a starting point for conversation.

• Humility before God
• At what point in a relationship do you start comparing your beliefs and practices and relationship ethic with those of your partner? Is this conversation zero for you? A few dates in? How many stages does this go in?
  
• If you have some specific milestones in mind, you definitely need to start this discussion before hitting one, or you risk disappointment somewhere.
  
• Embrace of knowledge and truth
• At what points in a relationship do you exchange which information about emotional and sexual needs, desires, and history? How many stages does this go in?
  
• This would require that both parties have some understanding of their own needs, desires, and history.
  
• You should be familiar with general anatomy, physiology, and safe sex practices long before entering any relationship where it might matter.
  
• Love and respect
• Love and respect needs to be present from day one, all the time, but there are certainly degrees of self-sacrifice. There's a difference between the kind of love that drops personal plans one day to help with an emergency, and the kind of love that will gladly do that every single day for the rest of time. What stages do you think exist?
  
• Joy, satisfaction, contentment, gratitude
• You may have expectations and goals for a relationship. Your relationship may not meet all those expectations. If it doesn't, how willing and able are you to be content with that? At what point do you terminate the relationship rather than continue?
  
• Forgive and build peace, covenant, and relationship
• What levels of covenant could exist between you and your partner? How do you progress through them?
  
• Patience and hope
• Do all these stages of a relationship have a natural progression and definite end-goal? What is the minimum time you will stay at a particular stage? What is the maximum time? What happens if the maximum time is exceeded? Is age a factor in this progression?
  
• Kindness, mercy, and generosity
• What degrees of kindness, pleasure and comfort can two people give each other? At what stage of a relationship should they apply?
• This definitely includes physical contact and sex in all its variety, but also includes things like lending money, running errands, and providing medical care.
  
• Integrity and self-control
• Do you engage in self-control practices particular to each stage of the relationship? Or particular to each transition? 
• Faithfulness and endurance
  
• What other covenants are each of you bound by? How do each of you interact with each other's covenants at each stage of the relationship?
• Think obligations to parents, existing children, mortgages, military service...
  

You might think there are three stages to any relationship. You might think there are fifty. You might think sexual intimacy progresses gradually along with everything else, or you might think it comes only with a degree of long-term or permanent covenant commitment. I'm not sure there are any objectively right answers here.

Whatever stages you come up with, plan to progress through them slowly and deliberately. Don't skip stages just to "get XX over with." The actions must flow from the relationship, not the relationship from the desired actions. Particularly consider including regular periods of abstinence (from whatever, not just sex) throughout, especially before progressing to a new stage. Maybe that will be stressful, but if not kissing for two weeks means your relationship is over, well, it's a good thing you didn't go further than that.

I can't tell you what kind of ethic to have. But have one. Define some principles, so you can hold to them, and thereby grow in self-control.